Forgiveness

Leaving toxic people behind

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

I was asked recently about toxic people and if we should keep forgiving them, the whole 70×7 and turn the other cheek stuff. To be honest, those two passages have been used to justify a lot of abuse and unacceptable behaviour, and we have to rewrite those scripts.

Toxic people are draining and inconsiderate, and if they are full blown narcissists, calculated destruction of your psyche is involved. There is a level of contempt there that should not be accepted today, and I do not believe was acceptable to Jesus at all.

Over the centuries the story of turn the other cheek has been used as a way to force mostly vulnerable people to accept poor treatment. Jesus asked us to, so therefore we cannot challenge it, is how that usually goes. But that is completely out of context. The real point of that story was to stand up to power. In the culture of Jesus’ day it was common for masters to slap slaves or servants, or even members of their own family, in public. There was a ritual about it. It had to be a backhand on one cheek, just once. The person receiving the slap was to be humiliated in public, and the power dynamic was maintained. By offer the other cheek, it was an act of rebellion. The shame shifted from the person receiving the blow to the person giving it.

This was never a story about accepting continued abuse.

When Jesus talked about love and forgiveness, he was not talking about forgetting. In fact that whole ‘forgive and forget’ was Shakespeare, not the Bible. The most common verb in the Hebrew Scriptures is “To Remember”. Forgetting was never part of the deal.

We can forgive, and we should for our own sake, but there is no call on us to forget. We can love, and we should, but the love is Agape – the love of our neighbours, community. There is no expectation in that word that we will allow mistreatment. We can love the world without being friends with people who hurt us. Like, love, tolerance and acceptance are all separate concepts and practices. They are choices, and we can choose to say no. That does not stop us from wanting good things for them, it just means we do not have to be part of that process or relationship.

So toxic people? Love them if that is what you feel, and then walk away. The Biblical expectation of that is far greater than any acceptance of continued mistreatment. We were never commissioned to be victims.

Sunday Reflection – September 17, 2023

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Jesus is the Messiah

Matthew 18 21  Peter came up to the Lord and asked, “How many times should I forgive someone who does something wrong to me? Is seven times enough?”

22  Jesus answered:

Not just 7 times, but 77 times! 23 This story will show you what the kingdom of heaven is like:

One day a king decided to call in his officials and ask them to give an account of what they owed him. 24 As he was doing this, one official was brought in who owed him 50,000,000 silver coins. 25 But he didn’t have any money to pay what he owed. The king ordered him to be sold, along with his wife and children and all he owned, in order to pay the debt.

26 The official got down on his knees and began begging, “Have pity on me, and I will pay you every cent I owe!” 27 The king felt sorry for him and let him go free. He even told the official that he did not have to pay back the money.

28 But as this official was leaving, he happened to meet another official, who owed him 100 silver coins. So he grabbed the man by the throat. He started choking him and said, “Pay me what you owe!”

29 The man got down on his knees and began begging, “Have pity on me, and I will pay you back.” 30 But the first official refused to have pity. Instead, he went and had the other official put in jail until he could pay what he owed.

31 When some other officials found out what had happened, they felt sorry for the man who had been put in jail. Then they told the king what had happened. 32 The king called the first official back in and said, “You’re an evil man! When you begged for mercy, I said you did not have to pay back a cent. 33 Don’t you think you should show pity to someone else, as I did to you?” 34 The king was so angry that he ordered the official to be tortured until he could pay back everything he owed. 35 That is how my Father in heaven will treat you, if you don’t forgive each of my followers with all your heart.

Kids Korner: Forgiving others (Sept 17th)

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Read Matthew 18:21-35 with your family.

You might have heard people tell you to “forgive and forget”. A lot of people think those are Jesus’ words or they are from somewhere else in the Bible, but they are not. All the Bible says is to forgive as often as you have to.

Forgiveness is hard. Sometimes you can do it once and everything is fine. But sometimes the hurt is deeper and you don’t know if you can ever forgive the person. Jesus says to keep trying.

And sometimes the hurt is bad enough you need to tell another grown up and keep telling until someone believes you and wants to help. Forgiving someone doesn’t mean they don’t have consequences. Forgiving someone only means you are letting go of your anger and hurt feelings. It’s still up to the other person to do the right thing and take responsibility.

Sunday Reflection – September 10, 2023

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Jesus is the Messiah

Matthew 18 15  If one of my followers sins against you, go and point out what was wrong. But do it in private, just between the two of you. If that person listens, you have won back a follower. 16  But if that one refuses to listen, take along one or two others. The Scriptures teach that every complaint must be proven true by two or more witnesses. 17 If the follower refuses to listen to them, report the matter to the church. Anyone who refuses to listen to the church must be treated like an unbeliever or a tax collector.

18  I promise you God in heaven will allow whatever you allow on earth, but God will not allow anything you don’t allow. 19 I promise that when any two of you on earth agree about something you are praying for, my Father in heaven will do it for you. 20 Whenever two or three of you come together in my name, I am there with you.

Kids Korner: Working out conflict (Sept 10th)

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Read Matthew 18:15-20 with your family.

The people who lived around the time that Jesus lived were just like us. They loved and the fought, they cried and they laughed, and sometimes they didn’t agree with each other. When those disagreements got too big, they pulled in others to take sides. Jesus didn’t want his followers to fight like that. He wanted his followers to get along and focus on the things that needed to change in our world. Jesus wanted everyone to love and care for each other.

In order to help the community who was following Jesus, he talked to them about how to solve conflict. He told them to be brave and take responsibility if they hurt someone else’s feelings. He told them to talk to each other in private when someone felt hurt.

But Jesus knew that some conflicts were too big for a small, private conversation, so he told his followers to ask for help when a private conversation didn’t solve the problem. And only if that didn’t work, bring in the whole community to help solve the conflict.

And if that didn’t work, Jesus said it was okay to tell the person causing trouble they had to leave. But that person would not be alone, they would be with others who helped remind them what it meant to be a follower of Jesus.

Even in conflict we are always given as many chances as we need to remember how to love like Jesus wants us to love.

Teen Time: God forgives me, so why are there consequences? (November 14th)

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Claiming ‘God forgives me’ does not excuse us from the legal consequences of our actions.

Quick test: Do your actions help or hurt others?

If our actions hurt anyone, they require us to answer for them. Depending on the severity of our actions, that might involve the court of law. Claiming ‘God forgives me’ does not remove our legal responsibility nor the obligation by society to give us consequences.

Only when our actions help others, even when they are against the law of the land (like Christians hiding Jews in Nazi occupied territory during WWII), then we can say the law is unfair and we shouldn’t experience the consequences we face.

Sunday Reflection – September 12, 2021

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

 

Parable of the unforgiving servant

Matthew 1821 Then Peter said to Jesus, “Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Should I forgive as many as seven times?”

22 Jesus said, “Not just seven times, but rather as many as seventy times seven times. 23 Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 When he began to settle accounts, they brought to him a servant who owed him ten thousand bags of gold.25 Because the servant didn’t have enough to pay it back, the master ordered that he should be sold, along with his wife and children and everything he had, and that the proceeds should be used as payment. 26 But the servant fell down, kneeled before him, and said, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I’ll pay you back.’ 27 The master had compassion on that servant, released him, and forgave the loan.

28 “When that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him one hundred coins. He grabbed him around the throat and said, ‘Pay me back what you owe me.’

29 “Then his fellow servant fell down and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I’ll pay you back.’ 30 But he refused. Instead, he threw him into prison until he paid back his debt.

31 “When his fellow servants saw what happened, they were deeply offended. They came and told their master all that happened. 32 His master called the first servant and said, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you appealed to me. 33 Shouldn’t you also have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 His master was furious and handed him over to the guard responsible for punishing prisoners, until he had paid the whole debt.

35 “My heavenly Father will also do the same to you if you don’t forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Performed by Margaret Whisselle

Kids Korner: Jesus asks us to forgive (September 12th)

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Read Matthew 18:21-35 with your family. Forgiving others is hard, especially if they really hurt you deeply.

Sometimes people say “Forgive and forget”, but that isn’t in the Bible, and that’s not what Jesus said. (‘Forget and forgive’ comes from the play King Lear in the 1600’s, and the novel Don Quixote in the 1700’s.) We are not asked to forget, because sometimes when we are hurt that becomes a learning experience for us. Jesus did not tell us to forget our hurts.

Instead, Jesus said forgive others 70×7. Seven in the Hebrew culture was the number of completion, of perfection (i.e. God made the world in seven days), so those sitting with Jesus would understand why Peter and Jesus picked that number specifically. And because Jesus said 70×7, we should understand that as never ending, not 490 times.

Forgiveness is how we get rid of our hurt because carrying that hurt makes us angry and cranky, and that’s not who God wants us to be. So every time we are reminded of that hurt, we have to choose to forgive the person again. Even if we remember 70 times a day, each time we have to make the choice to forgive. Over time it gets better.

Teen Time: Forgiveness is a repetitive action (September 12th)

/ thebarefootevangelist / Leave a comment

Forgiveness is not a ‘one-and-done’ action, it’s something we have to return to again and again, depending on the level of hurt.

Think of forgiveness as doing exercises, curls or crunches: We would never do only one rep and think we were now in top shape. That’s how forgiveness works. It’s not about the other person, it’s about us and making sure we don’t hang on to bitterness which can rot our hearts and souls and makes us miserable people.

The scripture reference today is Matthew 18:21-35.